Who's Keeping Score?
by Courtney Starr
Summary: Legolas is kidnapped by rabid Legolas lustbunnies, sort of. A crack on rabid teenage female fans. Yea, it's funny, just read it. COWRITTEN WITH GEORGESGIRL.


**Author's Note**: Guess who's back? Back again. Nicole and Susan's back. Tell some strangers. Guess who's back....guess who's back. Well, that didn't go very well, but I figure I'll state the obvious. It's me, Nicole, and her, Susan. She is next to me and we are writing a misc. Lord of the Rings fic. Run to the hills, beware of the terror that ensues. Okay. Yes, a little information about this fan fiction. Nicole is going to scrounge (oh - big word! Ten points to Nicole!) up all the information from Lord of the Rings movie and books to write this while Susan uses her fluff imagination (Ten points to Susan!) and horrible sarcasm (Five points there for spelling to Susan!) which is added on by Nicole's kinky humor (Five points to Nicole for finding a way to add the word kinky in!). Yes. Throughout the fic we will be calculating and awarding points. Yes, so that will be within the parentheses (Five points for Nicole for spelling!). Also, (Twenty points to each for knowing all the words to Moulin Rouge and Harry Potter and even some Lord of the Rings! Score!) Yes, we're actually going to start the fan fic (Ten points each for starting!). Oh yeah, we forgot to mention the fan fic information! Shit (Each lose ten points for being idiots!)! Anyways, this is a humor fic which both of us are going to be rabid (sarcasm) Legolas lust-bunnies(kinky) (Five points to each for sarcasm and kinkiness!). Yes, anyways, now onto the story.....

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It all started when Legolas woke up with an extremely large headache. 

Damn, he thought, shouldn't have had so much wine last night. 

Yes, elves are effected by wine because we said so. Anyways, he wakes up and then he realizes that he isn't in his bed. He's actually on Nicole's sofa in her basement and is surrounded by two teenaged females, who are described above in the author's note. Yes folks, here we go again and we are back. 

Nicole, the shorter of the two, has a little longer than shoulder-length dyed blonde hair and milk chocolate eyes. Her skin is tanner than Susan's. 

Susan, the taller of the two - obviously, has the same length hair as Nicole's except hers is better - according to her. Actually, it's red, just one of those reds you can't describe - so tough nuggets for you (Ten + N). She has green eyes and pale skin. (Five + S for being cute! Nicole sticks her tongue out and makes a rude noise!). 

Back to the story, so these two girls are leaning over Legolas when he wakes up with a hang-over. He sits up and rubs his temples and both girls giggle with excitement. 

"Aw......" 

He looks at the two, before rubbing his temples even more. His head was pounding and the two girls were not helping. 

"Think we should get him some tea or something?" 

"I don't know." 

"Well, you're supposed to." 

"You're the genius." 

"Hardly, books and cleverness." (10 + N) 

"Are you going to answer the question?" 

"What question?" 

Susan glares. 

"Do we get him the tea or not?" 

"Er....." 

"Why don't you ask him?" 

"I'm not asking him. You ask him." 

"No, you ask him." 

"No, you." 

"Fine," she turns to Legolas, "do you want some tea because she's really pissing me off?" 

Legolas looks at the two of them before passing out again. Nicole looks at Susan. 

"Guess that answers the question." 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Do we wake him?" 

"Yes, we wake him." 

"How do we wake him?" 

"Easy enough." 

Nicole runs over to one of the many shelves in the basement and grabs a pool stick. She suddenly stands a far distance away from him and begins to prod him in the chest with it. Legolas, still passed out, rolls over after shoving the stick away. Nicole again prods him with the stick. He shoots up and begins to yell. 

"WILL YOU PLEASE STOP POKING ME?!" 

"Oh great. Now you made him mad." (10 + S) 

Nicole just sticks out her tongue and then glances down at his nails. She looks up, grins evilly, and then looks down at his nails. Legolas, noticing this, puts his hands up and realizes that his fingernails are black. 

Crap, he thought, they've poisoned me. 

"What did you do to my nails?" 

Nicole instantly shoots her hand up and points at Susan. 

"She did it! It was so not me this time. I swear." 

Susan glares at Nicole and then smiles innocently at Legolas. 

"You told me you were going for the Carson Daly look, so....I took the liberty of painting your nails for you." 

"Who's Carson Daly, and what did you do with my nails?" 

"She explained it to you. You wanted to be like Carson Daly, so she painted your nails." 

"WHO IS CARSON DALY?! WHAT THE MORDOR DID YOU DO TO MY NAILS?!" (5 + S) 

Nicole again points at Susan, who begins to curse to herself lightly. 

"Damn it. I forgot he was Middle-Earth folk. Now what?" 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Nicole laughs at Susan. 

"Shithead. Shithead." 

Susan then pokes Nicole with the pool stick, who in turn takes another one and the two begin to have a sword fight. (5 + N) When the two stop, Legolas looks at them. 

"Do you rehearse that or something?" 

"In fact, we do." 

"Isn't that the greatest?" 

Susan looks at Nicole because of her sudden blonde response. 

"Okay, what drugs are you on?" 

"Legolas, want some tea?" 

"Don't take it. She spiked it or something." 

"No. That was Gandalf." (10 + S) 

"Gandalf's here?!" 

"Of course not silly. Why would Gandalf be here?" 

Susan looks at Nicole and instantly hits her over the head with a pool stick, knocking her out. 

"Takes out that problem. So, Leggy, want to go get something to eat?" 

Legolas backs away scared, still noticing the pool stick. 

"No, I'm not hungry." 

At this, Legolas' stomach growls. 

"Are you sure? We can get some popcorn chicken or something...it's right down the road." 

Nicole suddenly jumps up and glares at Susan. 

"How many times do I tell you, Legsy is mine!" 

Nicole latches onto Legolas' right arm and cuddles into him. 

"No, we are going to eat." 

Susan then grabs onto his left arm and the two girls begin to both cuddling into him. He sighs and shakes his head. 

"We could all go eat and then, we can do whatever Nicole wants to do. That's your name right?" 

"Of course Legsy!" 

Susan makes a puppy dog face with sad eyes. 

"But I don't want to eat with her!" 

Legolas sighs and Nicole glares. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Shit whore!" (5 + N) 

"Hate." 

"Wow, what an extremely lame comeback!" 

She waits for another comeback. 

"Hello?" 

Susan just continues to glare. 

"Hate." 

Nicole begins to cry into Legolas' arm and he sighs yet again from the two girls. 

"Can you two please stop fighting or making each other cry or whatever you're doing because it really is quite annoying." 

Nicole and Susan both shoot their heads up from either glaring at the other or crying. 

"We're sorry...." 

"We didn't mean to upset you...." 

"We love you a lot...." 

"A whole lot...." 

"Please don't be mad at us...." 

"We're sorry....." 

"Let's sing...." 

At this, both girls break out into song. 

"And I.......... will always love....." 

"THAT'S ENOUGH!" 

"Okay!" 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Both girls again cuddle into him, while shooting daggers at each other. Legolas tries to break free, but they just hold on tighter. He tries again, but it's no use. 

"Er, girls, I need to..." 

"Go to the bathroom...." 

"Take a piss...." 

"Use the facilities...." 

"Take a shit...." 

"Yes, yes, yes. Can I please go?" 

Nicole looks at Legolas with pleading eyes. 

"Can we go with you?" 

"No! No, you can't!" 

Nicole sighs and puts on puppy dog eyes, which Susan glares at. 

"Puh-lease?" 

"No!" 

"Nicole, I highly doubt he's going to let you go with him. Just let him go." 

"You first." 

"No, you." 

"No, you." 

"How about this...." 

He suddenly breaks free from both of the girls and dashes away. Susan and Nicole chase after him, but he finds the bathroom first. Yes, he's knows where the bathroom is. It's not that hard to find, but whatever. Anywho, the two girls are waiting outside the door and they hear him mumbling to himself. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

AN HOUR LATER

"Sheesh, he takes a long time to go." 

"Maybe he really had to use the loo?" 

"The loo?" 

"Yes, the loo. British slang, shithead." 

"Do I look British to you? Don't answer that." 

"I know I should have gone in there with him. He probably fell in. They probably don't have toilets in Middle-Earth. That could cause some problems." 

"I say, we go in. Not like he knows how to lock a door anyways." 

Susan tries to open the door, but it is intend locked. 

"Shithead, they of course have locks. What use would dungeons be then?" 

"They have chains!" 

"But how do they lock them?" 

"With little clickie locks." 

"That's too complicated for their simple minds." 

"Simple minds? What, like yours?" 

"Shut up!" 

"You shut up!" 

"I miss Legsy!" 

"I miss him too!" 

"Time to open the door." 

Nicole pulls a key out of her pants' pocket and Susan stares at her in disbelief. 

"You fool! You had that the whole time." 

"Of course I did. I always carry it around. I always seem to lock myself out of my room." 

"Doesn't surprise me." 

"Thanks. Anyways, here we go." 

Nicole opens the door and no one is there. The window isn't opened or broken and the toilet seat wasn't lifted. Both the girls look at each and begin to cry. They each sink to their knees and sob into their hands. Yes, in the bathroom. 

"WE LOST HIM!" 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

BACK IN MIDDLE-EARTH

After stepping into the bathroom and locking the door, Legolas is suddenly thrown back into Middle-Earth. To be precise, he was thrown into a council between Aragorn and Lord Elrond. Both jump up and look at him. 

"There you are Legolas. We were worried about you," 

"Well, if you didn't get him drunk, Aragorn, we wouldn't have had this problem." 

"Oh, oops. Anyway, what happened to you?" 

"You don't want to know." 

"But of course we do Prince Legolas. Elves just don't randomly disappear out of their rooms here in Rivendell." 

"Yes they do and you don't want to know. End of conversation." 

Both Aragorn and Elrond look at each other and then at Legolas. Elrond then begins to look him over for any injuries, noticing his nails. 

"Oh my! What happened to your nails?" 

"Like I said, you don't want to know." 

From that day forth, Legolas never slept alone - with a guard in his room because he always seemed to believe that the two girls would come back to get him, Aragorn never let another elf get drunk, and Elrond was found wearing black on his nails all year round. The girls on the other hand, continued to cry over losing Legolas. 

THE END

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

**Author's Note**: And there you have it folks. And the final scores are:  
Nicole - 75  
Susan - 75  
No people, this was not planned. This seriously wasn't rigged. It just came out like that. Deal, anyways, the winner is Legolas! Yea, 'cause there is a tie and face it, he's hot. Okay, so we hope you liked it and everything. Hope it made you laugh. Spread the love, tell some friends and please review. Thanks!


End file.
